My Life today

Ok this was started at the end of January ... and just getting it up on the blogg today ...12th November ... I must be so lazy or busy or both ... well alot has happened here in my life in the past months
The woman of my dreams came and went in a flash ... but then she didnt really go al together ( thank God for small mercies)
I met a wonderful lady ... she is kind considerate , very pretty, great cook amongst other things ... she has been a good friend to me too but there is something just not there to make it perfect ... its one of those things that you cant describe or fathom out ... I have only felt it once in my life with one woman ... but you know about her already if you have read earlier bloggs
Its been a very long year ...almost a year since I lost my dear brther to cancer .... he is in a good place now ... the summer has come and gone, as it does, not much sunshine ( I need a holiday) plenty of rain ... at least that saved on the wear and tear on the new very expensive irrigation system we installed earlier this year .
I think I need to head east ( or maybe west) for a good break after Christmas I have heard of a great little island in the thai bay somewhere between bangkok and Koh samui ... its called Koh Tao...
Its mums birthday at the weekend also my eldest sons the following day
Oh I wish that woman hadnt done what she did ... will things ever be "normal"
Now I am going to cook some dinner ...

soon be christmas

just when you think you can relax

sometimes I feel so so stupid ... not sure where to start as i thought i had entered a new chapter already then .... suddenly its all over ..i think ... since my wife moving out i met a woman ... she seemed so perfect ... I guess that should have been a clue . There is so much happening that is so important ,,... to me that is ... I feel I have jumped a whole section of my life and i will go back to it as it is a very important time where I lost a good friend and a wonderful Brother
... after my marriage broke down a quiet but exciting period started. I became so close to a friend .. seemed God sent .. I was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life !She was an absolute rock ... she listened , she advised, she was always a shoulder to cry on. She introduced me to her friends , she introduced me to God ... now thats what I call a friend !

When does it get easier I wonder ?

So she went ! along with all my ( our ) friends .... that hurt so much ( and still does) , it seemed like when she left all my friends (and I really thought I had some very good and close friends)didnt contact me or invite me round any more or even phone for a chat ! I didnt and still dont want sympathy , but it would have been nice to know they were concerned as most of these friendships ( fake friendships) were quite long term .. we had been through lots of things together good times and bad times for lots of us, but with friends you get through these times. All of a sudden I realised its a very lonesome battle. I guess it just goes to show there arent many people you can really trust and rely upon in this world.I do have friends who are MY friends who dont know my ex wife apart from what they know of her through me , and they have been very supportive,
Family are very important ... they are always there for you and i guess tend to be biased ( but I have seen family , not mine, take sides in these situations)My family have been very supportive even ones who I havent been so close with have rallied round to offer me whatever they could and it was greatly accepted.
I do not recomend this situation to anyone ! People have said it gets easier with time ... a bit like grieving for someone they say.. well I guess I will have to wait and see. They say take one day at a time ... well its been a lot of days now and i guess when I know what direction to aim for things will change .

Did I mess up?

She left in mid summer ... no time is a good time for these things to happen but at least my work kept me very busy for the next couple of months which helped to keep my mind occupied. However things became more and more difficult between me and my eldest boy he didn't seem to accept it at first then once he did he blamed me totally ... I couldn't spell out to him the real reason behind all this and I am not one to tell tales ... a very delicate situation when it involves his mother. So I, as usual, buried my head, ostrich style, hoping the problem would go away... eventually we had a few very angry discussions when we both probably said things we shouldn't have and this resulted in quite a time of very little contact and contact was only made when finances were needed to be talked about ( he was studying at the time, and still is, and I had my responsibilities in the finances of his accommodation and tuition fees) My time was kept busy with work till the end of September and I had already booked a holiday to the other side of the world so I felt I had plenty to look forward to though I still had so many confusing thoughts and had many a sleepless night. I think we all need things to look forward to to help us get through each day, week month and year

Next instalment

So when things started to fade in my relationship I really didnt know what to do or think so I pretended to be an Ostrich ... now I dont know if they really do bury their heads in the sand or not but you maybe get where I am coming from? I basically ignored the problems that were so obvious to me ... I thought I could handle them and I guess I could.... for so long . The children were growing up and created their own problems but none so important as the main one. as a parent I think you expect problems from your children thats why we ( parents) are there to teach them , encourage them, discipline them and of course love them no matter what.
So what was i to do ? leave everyone? not very practical as the house is part of my employment package...some may think what a great perk but can in the wrong circumstances be quite a hinderance .I do love my house ( I did orchestrate the building of it and come to think of it financed the building of it though never got to reap the real benefits of that ) but it is actually a bind to my job and to moving on ... so best thing to do is ENJOY it and I do.. would be happier to enjoy it with someone else of course but then thats another story.
So where was I ?
there were alot of rows deceipts and arguements which finally led to a positive move in the relationship, positive or i guess more accuratly negative or was it ? now iI am confused but you probably realise that by now . It was a decision that came about once the children were ( I thought ) old enough to accept what was eventually going to happen ... separation... and and finally divorce .... I dont think I quite realised what this was going to be like for any of us it affects us all so differently ... I know it happens alot these days but my goodness ..it hurts ..in so many ways ... when you look at the children and see how it hurts them ... its a very selfish thing to do to a family but equally as hard is an unhappy household ... you cant hide the feelings from them all the time so is it better to dismantle the situation and try to move on or just keep hiding how you really feel ? Well there wasnt many options and so my wife moved out . A very difficult day !

Bad Boys

I LOVE ...flowers